Thursday, June 29, 2006
Heartfelt
I'm crying tonight as I'm writing this. I can't help it. I just wanna cry and I have no one to talk to. Who will be there for me after all?
It's a fact that I loathe it when my bf bets or gambles. I know some gfs out there have no issues with their bfs betting, especially during the world cup fever, but I just DON'T LIKE it.
He betted and owed quite a huge sum, to the extent that he had to borrow money from his own gf to repay his debts. Till today, he did not have the decency to return the hundreds of dollars he owed her. She had seen him gamble and bet and it just got worse and worse.
I HATE my bf to smoke. I'm generally ok with smokers. In fact, I have lots of friends who smoke, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I really wouldn't want him to pick up a ciggie.
She got really angry at him for lying to her and keeping it under wraps that he had quit smoking. He had far from quit. At that moment, she felt like picking up a damn ciggarette, stuffing it into her mouth and puffing away, just to show him how much harm those ciggies are doing to his body. It was an inexplicable sense of urge to be just like him even though ultimately she hated that part of him.
Neglect is the last thing I would want to experience or dish out for that matter. Neglect from a person you love so dearly is one of the most terrible emotions one can ever experience. Unwanted, uncared for, transparent. When you feel that way, insecurity tends to seep in. It could happen even to the strongest and most independant person. Inevitable. It really just goes to show where you stand in his heart. And the truth hurts excruciatingly.
The past had failed me terribly. It is something that I still struggle with from time to time. Yea sure, I tell all my friends I've gotten over it but sometimes in my walk through life, whatever that had happened would somehow clash with my feelings in the present and everything just goes downhill from there.
I have never liked failure. Failure is a monster I must slay. I hate to see Fs in my report slips, in fact, I hate to see anything other that As. Similarly, I will not succumb to failure in other aspects of my life, if I am given a choice.
I want nothing but the best, especially so for now, after I have experienced the failure of a relationship I had put so much into. It is just like a beautiful mansion in which you had sketched an architecture of, and painstakingly built brick by brick. It stood tall and proud for 3 years and then one fateful day, an earthquake struck and your magnificently crafted mansion crumbled and was being reduced to mere rubble within hours.
I felt utterly defeated. Utterly useless. I couldn't save it even though I had put in so much, so much. No one knows how I feel, because outside, I put up a brave front. Not even my best friend knows how I feel deep down.
I expect too much and I want everything to be perfect, because I feel that I cannot face another similar failure. I am afraid. I do not wish to experience the same crushing disappointments I did. No one's fault but mine.
Please give me time to settle all issues trapped in my heart and for this, I seek only your understanding and your forgiveness should I have been too demanding and too unreasonable at times.
It's a fact that I loathe it when my bf bets or gambles. I know some gfs out there have no issues with their bfs betting, especially during the world cup fever, but I just DON'T LIKE it.
He betted and owed quite a huge sum, to the extent that he had to borrow money from his own gf to repay his debts. Till today, he did not have the decency to return the hundreds of dollars he owed her. She had seen him gamble and bet and it just got worse and worse.
I HATE my bf to smoke. I'm generally ok with smokers. In fact, I have lots of friends who smoke, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I really wouldn't want him to pick up a ciggie.
She got really angry at him for lying to her and keeping it under wraps that he had quit smoking. He had far from quit. At that moment, she felt like picking up a damn ciggarette, stuffing it into her mouth and puffing away, just to show him how much harm those ciggies are doing to his body. It was an inexplicable sense of urge to be just like him even though ultimately she hated that part of him.
Neglect is the last thing I would want to experience or dish out for that matter. Neglect from a person you love so dearly is one of the most terrible emotions one can ever experience. Unwanted, uncared for, transparent. When you feel that way, insecurity tends to seep in. It could happen even to the strongest and most independant person. Inevitable. It really just goes to show where you stand in his heart. And the truth hurts excruciatingly.
The past had failed me terribly. It is something that I still struggle with from time to time. Yea sure, I tell all my friends I've gotten over it but sometimes in my walk through life, whatever that had happened would somehow clash with my feelings in the present and everything just goes downhill from there.
I have never liked failure. Failure is a monster I must slay. I hate to see Fs in my report slips, in fact, I hate to see anything other that As. Similarly, I will not succumb to failure in other aspects of my life, if I am given a choice.
I want nothing but the best, especially so for now, after I have experienced the failure of a relationship I had put so much into. It is just like a beautiful mansion in which you had sketched an architecture of, and painstakingly built brick by brick. It stood tall and proud for 3 years and then one fateful day, an earthquake struck and your magnificently crafted mansion crumbled and was being reduced to mere rubble within hours.
I felt utterly defeated. Utterly useless. I couldn't save it even though I had put in so much, so much. No one knows how I feel, because outside, I put up a brave front. Not even my best friend knows how I feel deep down.
I expect too much and I want everything to be perfect, because I feel that I cannot face another similar failure. I am afraid. I do not wish to experience the same crushing disappointments I did. No one's fault but mine.
Please give me time to settle all issues trapped in my heart and for this, I seek only your understanding and your forgiveness should I have been too demanding and too unreasonable at times.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Mindless Entry & Photo Updates
Drats. My two weeks break is over. Hello tutorials and lectures, bye slacky fun. Hee.
Anisah and I met up with Yining after THREE WHOLE YEARS OF NOT MEETING UP ever since graduating from secondary school!! Omg. I've definitely missed out a whole load on her life! She's still the same crazy girl I knew back then. The way she walks and the way she talks, gawd, still the same. Heh.
Anyways we settled for Changing Appetites and proceeded to catch up on each other's lives. My goodness, I collected three whole years worth of gossip, can you imagine? The conversation flowing out of our mouths was incessant and definitely INTERESTING.
I should say interesting is an understatement. How about intriguing, stimulating, inspiring, jaw-opening, ear-perking?
Anisah was relating her grandmother's tale to Yining, one which I've heard umpteen times. So I sorta tuned out and only butted in to fill in juicy details which she'd carelessly missed out. Lol.
Sah took 45 mins to finish telling her story. Dearie, I timed, so yes, don't deny. :p
Anyhows the three of us are gonna hang out again sometime soon and this time we must take lots of pictures! Speaking of pictures, my digicam's charger ain't working. !@()$*(#*$()#$.
I want a new digicam!!!
My lover and I spent our 9th month at East Coast Park. Woopee. His eyes look sleepy cos the wind wasn't helping by blowing in our faces.
Sam, here are the pictures that you want!
Met up with Sammie one of the days for dinner and shopping. We bought the same pair of shoes, only in different colours.
When will the shoe addict in me die?
I'M BORED.
I've been TAGGED
1. Do the following WITHOUT complains.
2. Leave a tag on the person tagboard to say he/she have been tagged
3. Start your post with "I have been tagged!"
Favourites
favourite colour: Err.. gold?
favourite food: Japanese cuisine. GOOD FOOD. Junk food.
favourite song: Depends on my mood.
favourite movie: The Butterfly Effect. I don't fancy movies.
favourite sport: Cycling and swimming
favourite day of the week: Fridays
favourite season: Would like to experience spring and autumn
favourite ice-cream: Ben & Jerry's
Currents
current mood: Bored.
current taste: B&J's newyork choco fudge
current clothes: Big Nike tee
current deskstop: HP's original
current toenail: Can't even be bothered to look
current time: 10.45
current surroundings: Study room
current annoyances: Undone tuts are weighing on my conscience.
current thoughts: I'm gonna do my tut later. HOPEFULLY.
Firsts
first best friends: Evelyn
first crush: Some malay guy back in pri sch lol
first movie: No idea??
first lie: "I don't tell lies"
first music: Nursery ryhmes probably
Lasts
last cigarette: wayyyy back in sec school. First and last.
last drink(alcohol): H20
last car ride: Camry
last crush: I do not have crushes. I'm strange.
last movie: Over The Hedge? I can't recall. I hate movies.
last phone call: Sal
last CD played: I don't listen to CDs.
Have you ever
have you ever dated your best friend: like no?
have you ever broken the law: littering
have you ever been arrested: no
have you ever skinny-dipped: no
have you ever been on tv: yes
have you ever kissed someone you don't know: no
5 things you are wearing: specs, oversized tee, panties. they don't even add up to 5 -.-
4 things you done today: Church, dined at Jack's place, a lil shopping, sleep, read a novel
3 things you can hear right now: iTunes and nothing else
1 thing you do when you are bored: Yak on the phone or do boredom slaying surveys like this one
K ciao.
Anisah and I met up with Yining after THREE WHOLE YEARS OF NOT MEETING UP ever since graduating from secondary school!! Omg. I've definitely missed out a whole load on her life! She's still the same crazy girl I knew back then. The way she walks and the way she talks, gawd, still the same. Heh.
Anyways we settled for Changing Appetites and proceeded to catch up on each other's lives. My goodness, I collected three whole years worth of gossip, can you imagine? The conversation flowing out of our mouths was incessant and definitely INTERESTING.
I should say interesting is an understatement. How about intriguing, stimulating, inspiring, jaw-opening, ear-perking?
Anisah was relating her grandmother's tale to Yining, one which I've heard umpteen times. So I sorta tuned out and only butted in to fill in juicy details which she'd carelessly missed out. Lol.
Sah took 45 mins to finish telling her story. Dearie, I timed, so yes, don't deny. :p
Anyhows the three of us are gonna hang out again sometime soon and this time we must take lots of pictures! Speaking of pictures, my digicam's charger ain't working. !@()$*(#*$()#$.
I want a new digicam!!!
My lover and I spent our 9th month at East Coast Park. Woopee. His eyes look sleepy cos the wind wasn't helping by blowing in our faces.
Sam, here are the pictures that you want!
Met up with Sammie one of the days for dinner and shopping. We bought the same pair of shoes, only in different colours.
When will the shoe addict in me die?
I'M BORED.
I've been TAGGED
1. Do the following WITHOUT complains.
2. Leave a tag on the person tagboard to say he/she have been tagged
3. Start your post with "I have been tagged!"
Favourites
favourite colour: Err.. gold?
favourite food: Japanese cuisine. GOOD FOOD. Junk food.
favourite song: Depends on my mood.
favourite movie: The Butterfly Effect. I don't fancy movies.
favourite sport: Cycling and swimming
favourite day of the week: Fridays
favourite season: Would like to experience spring and autumn
favourite ice-cream: Ben & Jerry's
Currents
current mood: Bored.
current taste: B&J's newyork choco fudge
current clothes: Big Nike tee
current deskstop: HP's original
current toenail: Can't even be bothered to look
current time: 10.45
current surroundings: Study room
current annoyances: Undone tuts are weighing on my conscience.
current thoughts: I'm gonna do my tut later. HOPEFULLY.
Firsts
first best friends: Evelyn
first crush: Some malay guy back in pri sch lol
first movie: No idea??
first lie: "I don't tell lies"
first music: Nursery ryhmes probably
Lasts
last cigarette: wayyyy back in sec school. First and last.
last drink(alcohol): H20
last car ride: Camry
last crush: I do not have crushes. I'm strange.
last movie: Over The Hedge? I can't recall. I hate movies.
last phone call: Sal
last CD played: I don't listen to CDs.
Have you ever
have you ever dated your best friend: like no?
have you ever broken the law: littering
have you ever been arrested: no
have you ever skinny-dipped: no
have you ever been on tv: yes
have you ever kissed someone you don't know: no
5 things you are wearing: specs, oversized tee, panties. they don't even add up to 5 -.-
4 things you done today: Church, dined at Jack's place, a lil shopping, sleep, read a novel
3 things you can hear right now: iTunes and nothing else
1 thing you do when you are bored: Yak on the phone or do boredom slaying surveys like this one
K ciao.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
difjlafjd
Can Beyonce like just shut her gap already? R&B is irritance to my ears right now. Grrr.
Ever wondered why obtaining experience is such an important matter in today's society? It can be studied in two different angles; work and relationships.
Under the category of work, it is all very straightforward. Undoubtedly, an employer would most likely hire a worker who is brilliant and experienced, rather than just brilliant only. Granted, having work experience proves to be extremely useful in getting a job in today's saturated market. You can never be bornt with experience, you can only gain it and so that's what makes experience so valuable.
What about relationships? The cliche "First love is always the sweetest." keeps lingering in my ears at the subject of First Love. The sappy Utada Hikaru song "First Love" also keeps replaying in my head, but whatever.
For me, unfortunately, my very first relationship cannot be called my first love, cos I wasn't in love in the first place and it only lasted for a pathetic month, so nah, I wouldn't take that as a real relationship.
My second boyfriend is my first love. We were together for a pretty long time of three years. When I was together with him, I had ZILCH experience. To put it in other words, I was a greenhorn. Everything also dunno. Kiss also dunno. Hug also dunno. Hold hands also dunno. Talk on the phone also dunno. Have a decent meal with boyfriend also dunno. I am not exaggerating when I say that I know absolutely NOTHING about being in a serious relationship.
I was inexperienced. Very inexperienced to say the least.
First love is always the sweetest? I think not, for my case at least. It started off sweet but ended up sour. It was one that should have ended nong, nong ago (ok bad sg idol joke. whatever.) but I stayed and hung and clung on for dear life just because I had never known any other guy the way I knew my then boyfriend.
Before him, I had never loved anyone else before. I had never kissed another guy before. I had never been on a date, watched movies or went shopping with another guy before. I had never been to the beach and watched the stars with another guy before.
I never had another guy love me before.
He was everything that I've ever known. I shared so many "firsts" with him. Now I understand what gave me the determination to stay by his side even though I wasn't happy being with him anymore. Just because I was inexperienced, never had the chance to experience being in a better relationship, never had the privilege of being loved by a better guy and so I thought him the best.
Although I left my first love, I took with me the experience of being in a serious relationship and the joys and pains it could bring. Now when I'm in my second relationship, I find myself talking incoherently to myself in my own head "You must have been superwoman to tolerate such shit your ex bf gave you." or "How did you actually get past those 3 years with a guy who was totally wrong for you?"
Experience is good. Take this chance when you're still young to find the man/woman most suitable for you. Don't just stick to your first if you cannot derive happiness from that relationship, just because you believe that first love will always be the sweetest. I tell you, it's bullshit and it doesn't apply to everyone.
You never know, the next one might be better, or even the best.
Ever wondered why obtaining experience is such an important matter in today's society? It can be studied in two different angles; work and relationships.
Under the category of work, it is all very straightforward. Undoubtedly, an employer would most likely hire a worker who is brilliant and experienced, rather than just brilliant only. Granted, having work experience proves to be extremely useful in getting a job in today's saturated market. You can never be bornt with experience, you can only gain it and so that's what makes experience so valuable.
What about relationships? The cliche "First love is always the sweetest." keeps lingering in my ears at the subject of First Love. The sappy Utada Hikaru song "First Love" also keeps replaying in my head, but whatever.
For me, unfortunately, my very first relationship cannot be called my first love, cos I wasn't in love in the first place and it only lasted for a pathetic month, so nah, I wouldn't take that as a real relationship.
My second boyfriend is my first love. We were together for a pretty long time of three years. When I was together with him, I had ZILCH experience. To put it in other words, I was a greenhorn. Everything also dunno. Kiss also dunno. Hug also dunno. Hold hands also dunno. Talk on the phone also dunno. Have a decent meal with boyfriend also dunno. I am not exaggerating when I say that I know absolutely NOTHING about being in a serious relationship.
I was inexperienced. Very inexperienced to say the least.
First love is always the sweetest? I think not, for my case at least. It started off sweet but ended up sour. It was one that should have ended nong, nong ago (ok bad sg idol joke. whatever.) but I stayed and hung and clung on for dear life just because I had never known any other guy the way I knew my then boyfriend.
Before him, I had never loved anyone else before. I had never kissed another guy before. I had never been on a date, watched movies or went shopping with another guy before. I had never been to the beach and watched the stars with another guy before.
I never had another guy love me before.
He was everything that I've ever known. I shared so many "firsts" with him. Now I understand what gave me the determination to stay by his side even though I wasn't happy being with him anymore. Just because I was inexperienced, never had the chance to experience being in a better relationship, never had the privilege of being loved by a better guy and so I thought him the best.
Although I left my first love, I took with me the experience of being in a serious relationship and the joys and pains it could bring. Now when I'm in my second relationship, I find myself talking incoherently to myself in my own head "You must have been superwoman to tolerate such shit your ex bf gave you." or "How did you actually get past those 3 years with a guy who was totally wrong for you?"
Experience is good. Take this chance when you're still young to find the man/woman most suitable for you. Don't just stick to your first if you cannot derive happiness from that relationship, just because you believe that first love will always be the sweetest. I tell you, it's bullshit and it doesn't apply to everyone.
You never know, the next one might be better, or even the best.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
For You, Dad.
Dearest Papa,
I may not always tell you how special you are,
or thank you every time you chauffeur me around in your car,
without complaints, no matter the distance, no matter how far.
Your love for me so great, that mine can never be on par.
Many times I made you upset,
I disappointed you and made you so mad,
But please forgive me, I know I've been bad.
For in my heart, you are forever and always the greatest Dad.
I am a spoilt and ungrateful child,
I take it for granted that you will always go the extra mile.
Both for kor and I, in the past, future and now.
Oh Dad, I wish I could atone for my mistakes just to see you smile.
How many times you worried and stressed over me,
how many tears which you cried that I didn't see,
How much great effort you put in unconditionally,
and all these don't even come with a fee.
I love you(s) are rare between us,
but don't be disheartened, smile first.
For in this poem I have written,
I can insert I Love You in this verse.
I may not always know the right words to say,
But for all you have done for me, I will try my hardest to repay.
although I may not always see things your way.
To the greatest man in my life, Happy Father's Day.
(C) Copyrighted Grace Jiang
I may not always tell you how special you are,
or thank you every time you chauffeur me around in your car,
without complaints, no matter the distance, no matter how far.
Your love for me so great, that mine can never be on par.
Many times I made you upset,
I disappointed you and made you so mad,
But please forgive me, I know I've been bad.
For in my heart, you are forever and always the greatest Dad.
I am a spoilt and ungrateful child,
I take it for granted that you will always go the extra mile.
Both for kor and I, in the past, future and now.
Oh Dad, I wish I could atone for my mistakes just to see you smile.
How many times you worried and stressed over me,
how many tears which you cried that I didn't see,
How much great effort you put in unconditionally,
and all these don't even come with a fee.
I love you(s) are rare between us,
but don't be disheartened, smile first.
For in this poem I have written,
I can insert I Love You in this verse.
I may not always know the right words to say,
But for all you have done for me, I will try my hardest to repay.
although I may not always see things your way.
To the greatest man in my life, Happy Father's Day.
(C) Copyrighted Grace Jiang
ROARRRR!
Tell me, who the heck plays the drums at 10 o clock in the morning when half the world is still fast asleep?! My brother is so darn irritating that times like now I wish he needn't book out of camp! A woman with lack of sleep is a grumpy woman. RARRR!
My new pair of cute retro pumps from Gripz. Doubt that it's something that I would wear out often, but heck, I'm just such a sucka for shoes. The orange polka dots are just too cute and retro to resist.
Ahhhh, I want some sleep!
My new pair of cute retro pumps from Gripz. Doubt that it's something that I would wear out often, but heck, I'm just such a sucka for shoes. The orange polka dots are just too cute and retro to resist.
Ahhhh, I want some sleep!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My hols thus far
I think I forgot to mention that my beau is out of town again. He'll be back today.
So hon, here's a summary coupled with snappies of what I've been up to when you were gone. Weee.
Wednesday night - Cosy Bay
Went to Cosy Bay in the night to chill, gossip and catch up with my bud Sal.
Before I left the house.
Marvellous scenery from the top of the tower!
Juice! Didn't order liquor cos I was on the verge of bankruptcy and Sal had liquor the night before.
Samosa and wedges.
I love this pic of her!
I notice that I always look cross-eyed when I take self shots.
There are nicer snappies in Sal's cam but she hasn't sent them to me yet. So, till she sends me, you won't get to see those pics.
Tuesday - Projects! Eeew.
Went to school in the morning for Advanced Accounting project. After project, mucked around in school with bestie Sah. Both of us sat in the com lab, laughing and spying on people on Friendster. HAHAHA!
The rest of the day was dedicated to watching Da Chang Jin on DVD. It's addictive! Heh!
Monday - Steven's 19th
Birthday boy and birthday boy's gf dropped by my place first because the gf wanted my assistance in bunning up her hair with a chopstick. Lol.
Me and Sam on my bed!
I really have no idea why he loves pulling retarded faces all the time for the camera -.-
We reached Marina first. I pity the people working in the boutiques.
In Swensons for the birthday dinner!
Steven's choice of birthday cake ; Mango Ice Cream Cake! It's my favourite cake other than cheesecake! Yum!
Looking spastic again.
A group shot :)
Gena, pls quit being lazy and upload all the pictures we have taken!! :D
And finally,
It ain't my birthday, but...... ohwells! I admit I'm self-obssessed at times :p
So hon, here's a summary coupled with snappies of what I've been up to when you were gone. Weee.
Wednesday night - Cosy Bay
Went to Cosy Bay in the night to chill, gossip and catch up with my bud Sal.
Before I left the house.
Marvellous scenery from the top of the tower!
Juice! Didn't order liquor cos I was on the verge of bankruptcy and Sal had liquor the night before.
Samosa and wedges.
I love this pic of her!
I notice that I always look cross-eyed when I take self shots.
There are nicer snappies in Sal's cam but she hasn't sent them to me yet. So, till she sends me, you won't get to see those pics.
Tuesday - Projects! Eeew.
Went to school in the morning for Advanced Accounting project. After project, mucked around in school with bestie Sah. Both of us sat in the com lab, laughing and spying on people on Friendster. HAHAHA!
The rest of the day was dedicated to watching Da Chang Jin on DVD. It's addictive! Heh!
Monday - Steven's 19th
Birthday boy and birthday boy's gf dropped by my place first because the gf wanted my assistance in bunning up her hair with a chopstick. Lol.
Me and Sam on my bed!
I really have no idea why he loves pulling retarded faces all the time for the camera -.-
We reached Marina first. I pity the people working in the boutiques.
In Swensons for the birthday dinner!
Steven's choice of birthday cake ; Mango Ice Cream Cake! It's my favourite cake other than cheesecake! Yum!
Looking spastic again.
A group shot :)
Gena, pls quit being lazy and upload all the pictures we have taken!! :D
And finally,
It ain't my birthday, but...... ohwells! I admit I'm self-obssessed at times :p
Sunday, June 11, 2006
GSS
Great Singapore Sale sucks incredibly. Totally.
The merchandise on sale weren't half as great as those not on sale and furthermore, what difference does 10% or 20% make? I would rather purchase the items at nett price than pay a little lesser to squeeze with kiasu singaporeans.
I was extremely deprived of retail therapy due to school and mid sem tests. So, with the arrival of my two week break, I jumped straight into shopping and got myself
And... I'm not done with shopping yet. I still have a great many things I wanna buy! Like
The merchandise on sale weren't half as great as those not on sale and furthermore, what difference does 10% or 20% make? I would rather purchase the items at nett price than pay a little lesser to squeeze with kiasu singaporeans.
I was extremely deprived of retail therapy due to school and mid sem tests. So, with the arrival of my two week break, I jumped straight into shopping and got myself
- White halterneck $43
- Silver skirt $19
- MNG shorts $60
- Topshop halter $19
- Topshop dunnowhatyoucallit top $23
- 2 pairs of Topshop earrings $15
- Esprit halter $49.90
- Lingerie
- Whitening toner
- Foundation
Shat. Spent so much. And it's only the 3rd day of the holidays.
And... I'm not done with shopping yet. I still have a great many things I wanna buy! Like
- Shoes shoes shoes shoes. I love shoes.
- Thongs / Gstrings / cute undies !!
- Nice bras !!
- Bags bags bagssssssss. Spotted some cute ones already. Ahhhhh I dig them to pieces, I want !!
Berry Berry Extraordinary, Phish Food and Chunky Monkey.
Yes yes. What you're staring at is a bowl of Ben & Jerry's. I love B&J. I can eat it forever! Anyways I tried Chunky Monkey cos everyone claims its to-die-for. NOT. I don't like it. I still prefer Phish Food anytime.
I just bought a tub of Phish Food from Esso just now. Haha.
We're gonna celebrate Steve's birthday tomorrow and Sam's dropping by my place at 1 pm. So freaking early!
Sam, this pic's for you. It serves as a memorial of how once upon a time, Scoobs looked like a pussycat and of how he oogled at your oddly shaped butt. HAHA!
