Thursday, June 29, 2006
Heartfelt
I'm crying tonight as I'm writing this. I can't help it. I just wanna cry and I have no one to talk to. Who will be there for me after all?
It's a fact that I loathe it when my bf bets or gambles. I know some gfs out there have no issues with their bfs betting, especially during the world cup fever, but I just DON'T LIKE it.
He betted and owed quite a huge sum, to the extent that he had to borrow money from his own gf to repay his debts. Till today, he did not have the decency to return the hundreds of dollars he owed her. She had seen him gamble and bet and it just got worse and worse.
I HATE my bf to smoke. I'm generally ok with smokers. In fact, I have lots of friends who smoke, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I really wouldn't want him to pick up a ciggie.
She got really angry at him for lying to her and keeping it under wraps that he had quit smoking. He had far from quit. At that moment, she felt like picking up a damn ciggarette, stuffing it into her mouth and puffing away, just to show him how much harm those ciggies are doing to his body. It was an inexplicable sense of urge to be just like him even though ultimately she hated that part of him.
Neglect is the last thing I would want to experience or dish out for that matter. Neglect from a person you love so dearly is one of the most terrible emotions one can ever experience. Unwanted, uncared for, transparent. When you feel that way, insecurity tends to seep in. It could happen even to the strongest and most independant person. Inevitable. It really just goes to show where you stand in his heart. And the truth hurts excruciatingly.
The past had failed me terribly. It is something that I still struggle with from time to time. Yea sure, I tell all my friends I've gotten over it but sometimes in my walk through life, whatever that had happened would somehow clash with my feelings in the present and everything just goes downhill from there.
I have never liked failure. Failure is a monster I must slay. I hate to see Fs in my report slips, in fact, I hate to see anything other that As. Similarly, I will not succumb to failure in other aspects of my life, if I am given a choice.
I want nothing but the best, especially so for now, after I have experienced the failure of a relationship I had put so much into. It is just like a beautiful mansion in which you had sketched an architecture of, and painstakingly built brick by brick. It stood tall and proud for 3 years and then one fateful day, an earthquake struck and your magnificently crafted mansion crumbled and was being reduced to mere rubble within hours.
I felt utterly defeated. Utterly useless. I couldn't save it even though I had put in so much, so much. No one knows how I feel, because outside, I put up a brave front. Not even my best friend knows how I feel deep down.
I expect too much and I want everything to be perfect, because I feel that I cannot face another similar failure. I am afraid. I do not wish to experience the same crushing disappointments I did. No one's fault but mine.
Please give me time to settle all issues trapped in my heart and for this, I seek only your understanding and your forgiveness should I have been too demanding and too unreasonable at times.
It's a fact that I loathe it when my bf bets or gambles. I know some gfs out there have no issues with their bfs betting, especially during the world cup fever, but I just DON'T LIKE it.
He betted and owed quite a huge sum, to the extent that he had to borrow money from his own gf to repay his debts. Till today, he did not have the decency to return the hundreds of dollars he owed her. She had seen him gamble and bet and it just got worse and worse.
I HATE my bf to smoke. I'm generally ok with smokers. In fact, I have lots of friends who smoke, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I really wouldn't want him to pick up a ciggie.
She got really angry at him for lying to her and keeping it under wraps that he had quit smoking. He had far from quit. At that moment, she felt like picking up a damn ciggarette, stuffing it into her mouth and puffing away, just to show him how much harm those ciggies are doing to his body. It was an inexplicable sense of urge to be just like him even though ultimately she hated that part of him.
Neglect is the last thing I would want to experience or dish out for that matter. Neglect from a person you love so dearly is one of the most terrible emotions one can ever experience. Unwanted, uncared for, transparent. When you feel that way, insecurity tends to seep in. It could happen even to the strongest and most independant person. Inevitable. It really just goes to show where you stand in his heart. And the truth hurts excruciatingly.
The past had failed me terribly. It is something that I still struggle with from time to time. Yea sure, I tell all my friends I've gotten over it but sometimes in my walk through life, whatever that had happened would somehow clash with my feelings in the present and everything just goes downhill from there.
I have never liked failure. Failure is a monster I must slay. I hate to see Fs in my report slips, in fact, I hate to see anything other that As. Similarly, I will not succumb to failure in other aspects of my life, if I am given a choice.
I want nothing but the best, especially so for now, after I have experienced the failure of a relationship I had put so much into. It is just like a beautiful mansion in which you had sketched an architecture of, and painstakingly built brick by brick. It stood tall and proud for 3 years and then one fateful day, an earthquake struck and your magnificently crafted mansion crumbled and was being reduced to mere rubble within hours.
I felt utterly defeated. Utterly useless. I couldn't save it even though I had put in so much, so much. No one knows how I feel, because outside, I put up a brave front. Not even my best friend knows how I feel deep down.
I expect too much and I want everything to be perfect, because I feel that I cannot face another similar failure. I am afraid. I do not wish to experience the same crushing disappointments I did. No one's fault but mine.
Please give me time to settle all issues trapped in my heart and for this, I seek only your understanding and your forgiveness should I have been too demanding and too unreasonable at times.
# posted by Gracie @ 1:13 AM 
